#no i havent worked through my complex emotions about this all

[satansappendix]

Honestly I'm sick

[gaygirldoodles]

PLEASE IM BEGGING PEOPLE TO ASK ME QUESTIONS TO ANSWER AS MY OCS I HAVE A PINNED POST THAT LINKS TO MY OC LORE BUT I HAVE A FEW PJO OCS AND REGULAR OCS

PJO OCS

Kiara (15) is a demigod child of Selene who's bisexual and currently in a relationship with Aurelia and she's also trans fem. Kiara is more closed off than her girlfriend, but once you gain her trust she's plenty fun. Since she's a child of Selene, she can only really heal or use any healer adjacent abilities at night and she often loses sleep working at the infirmary. She goes by she/they pronouns. She arrived at camp around the time of botl so she had to deal with that whole battle, the battle of Manhattan, and the battle on Half-Blood hill plus whatever happens in toa. Being a child of Selene she is more of a night person (i havent read it don't spoil)

Aurelia (15) is a demigod child of Eos and she's a lesbian although she went through many years of comphet. She arrived at camp around the time of cotg so she didn't have to go through those same battles Kiara did. She's from Mississippi and is a lot more open than Kiara. Since she is a child of the goddess of the dawn, she is more of a morning person. She uses she/her pronouns

Marilene (18) is the head counselor of the Selene cabin and is definitely the mom friend. She helps make sure Kiara and the rest of the campers are all taking care of themselves. She can heal but she definitely does more fighting training whereas Kiara does more healing training. She goes by she/her pronouns

Glykera (???) is an automaton from ancient greece. She was made by Hephaestus, but since he makes a lot of stuff, she got lost. She was found by her new master and he reprogrammed her so that she couldn't display emotions, disobey, or just say no to about anything. Eventually she was basically turned off and discarded again for hundreds of years until Leo Valdez found her, repaired her, and after a while of working up the courage, she let him redo the programming so that she could be more independent. She still has trouble displaying her emotions and she has pretty bad automaton-ptsd so she hates things like fireworks and is pretty sensitive to other people's feelings. She hates being called and it and she hates anything that has to do with reprogramming. She goes by she/her pronouns

Melissa (16) is a demigod child of Psyche and she uses she/they pronouns. She was introduced to Glykera when Leo goes to the Psyche cabin to try and get her some help for her trauma. After Glykera regained her emotions and some memories that were wiped, she had a pretty bad flashback(s) and wasn't doing so good for the next week and Melissa helped her learn better coping mechanisms and stuff. She's basically Glykera's unofficial therapist and is a lot more mentally stable than the rest of them. Between her and Marilene, they both have to keep the rest of them from doing irresponsible things

REGULAR OCS

These ones have their own world and everything

Delilah (23) she/they she comes from a rich ass family and she ran away from her abusive mother and moved in with Taylor (her now girlfriend). She has a lichtenberg scar that stems from the base of her neck from an illegal tracking spell her mom put on her that hurt like hell. She ended up being brought back home by her mom and almost forced to marry this guy etc etc. Her friend Lily, got turned into a crow by Delilah's mother which pissed her off so much she almost assualted her with floating dishware. Rose ended up stopping her so she wouldn't get an assualt charge and stuff. She works at the same coffee shop as Lily, Taylor, and Chloe

Taylor (24) she/they doesn't come from a rich family and actually grew up rather poor. She has a savior complex and codependency issues. She will jump to defend any of her friends and is incredibly loyal to them. She like working out and staying fit and is definitely the golden retriever friend

Lily (22) she/they/it is a former gifted kid and definitely the most responsible out of all of them. She can be mischievous and scheming when she wants to like when she worked with Chloe to make sure Delilah and Taylor would be under a mistletoe together on Christmas Eve and she is so real for that. After she got turned into a crow she seemed pretty normal at first besides being traumatized, but after a week or so, she started growing crow feathers and liking shiny things more and stuff like that. Each time she find them, she tries to pull them out and hide them until she no longer can. There's more about this on my pinned post

Chloe (25) she/her is the more outgoing one of the group. She reminds me of Pinky Pie or lots of other similar bubbly characters. She's irresponsible but not gambling type of irresponsible, but more just does stupid things sometimes. She is dating Lily. She uses humor as a coping mechanism and always tries to find a good side to anything

Rose: (23) she/her is Delilah's best friend since childhood. She was one of the few people who knew even a little about how her mother treated her. She is very intelligent and helped Delilah make the spell that would counter the tracking spell and escape plan. She is very good at potion work. After Delilah ran away, they talked frequently through letters and after Delilah escaped her mother once again, she started visiting way more often. To help Lily stay more human and less crow like, she made/makes the elixr for her to drink

Here are the blogs you can ask questions on

https://www.tumblr.com/ask-my-ocs-questions?source=share

[sugar-omi]

HI IM AN INSANE BAXSTAN AND SWIFTIE AND UR RYT MR PERFECTLY FINE HAS IMMENSE BAXMC POTENTIAL

while i think its not Unlikely for mc to forgive baxter within the span of the dlc, i DO think theyre not given enough options to feel complicated abt it. u pretty much have to decide how to feel from the start, and arent given a lot of room to change ur mind. For example, my mc Anne is a very forgiving person, especially with bax bc she understands his need to be entertaining & liked. HOWEVER she starts the dlc off thinking "ok if hes gonna be distant i can do that" but then when he jokes with xavier shes like "well im CONFUSED now and i need answers" and shes irritated, but also still likes him. after the bowling she hugs him and is still like confused, but again likes him still. by the time shes baking with him, shes both confused and endeared with him but is kinda harsh with him, even when hes apologizing at the wedding.

All this to say; its not UNREALISTIC mc would forgive in that timespan, its just the lack of complexity mc is or is not afforded that makes it feel too fast. additionally, while u do get to be mad, theres no real moderation for it, and no way to be like "this is a start, but it will take time to trust him fully again". so yeah, it feels rushed and personally i think it was rushed to be released due to whatever reasons (either not caring abt baxter or wanting to work on olnf, who knows)

anyway, i would go on about baxters dlc and its shortcomings for hours if given a chance so for now ill just call it here <3 signed, 🌸Anon

YES YES I AGREE

i do think there was a lotta effort n good stuff but into baxter, and i also havent replayed it since they updated some stuff so maybe its a bit better since release

but i do agree i think the emotional range is very limited its either "idc anymore", "im mad", "i look back fondly", "im pretty sad abt it", n all that stuff n its just pretty straight forward in whatever you choose

i think step 4 is a bit short? maybe?

BUT I ALSO THINK ITS PRETTY FLESHED OUT, now i haven't acted professional w baxter, i tried but i just didnt have time to go through w the route. but there are options!!! its just one and done i think so its kinda like, you cant express How conflicted you are

bc realistically id be so sad but i also hold a grudge so id be like "yeah you say you love me n all that n i GET IT but also im scared"

BUT I ALSO THINK ITS BC WE ARE PLAYING IT WITH SEVERAL HOURS??? like MC has 5 years to get through the emotions, but the time between him saying "see you never!!!" and "omg hi, i miss u but u dont need me but i miss u?!?!!?!" is like less than 5 minutes so.....

LITERALLY I WAS PLAYING IT THE FIRST TIME N I WAS LIKE "you bastard, fuck you. i hate you. stfu. YOURE SO CUTE. you ASSHOLE. i am going to KISS YOU. i want to slap you so fucking bad right now"

like pls i was freaking out during my first playthru

i think baxter's dlc was more focused on the "i am hurt" and "i have XYZ reasons for being like this" and it goes through all that and its less "lets work through your complex feelings/this is how you reacted when we met again bc you felt/feel very conflicted and now we will work thru it"

BAXTER DLC IS LITERALLY "I CAN FIX HIM" OMFG

but honestly i like the baxter dlc better than the derek dlc bc i HATED how "i can do everything by myself!!!!" derek was in step 2 and how sibling focused it was, i man i still loved it of course but i wish derek n mc had more 1 on 1 time

and then in step 4 it was like "i missed out on everything, i feel shitty n im sorry!" and mc just.... idk maybe i need to play it again but i was still mad derek ghosted for a whole step n then it was still very family focused, and while i loved that as well

i just wanted more derek by himself, i wanted to pamper him n love him n just yk

idk, all the dlc's are so good but i do think the forgiveness is very quick which makes sense bc they're making ol2 but man, i would love if it was just double the length or half that to just flesh it out some bc i wanted some sweet moments w the boys as well :(((

ANYWAY YES I DO AGREE ITS NOT UNREALISTIC

just unrealistic for ppl like me who take 2-3 years to get over wtf happened and another 2 to actually settle in my decision to forgive 😂😂 but even then, if i had 5 years to get over it i could prbly forgive him after a lot of crying and a bit of screaming LMAO

[dhdhhehdndbdbd]

continued journal from 5/23/24

started my internship. was expecting another mediocre, mind-draining miami gig but the people are actually quite diverse. a lot of students from UF, some georgia tech, some upenn, emory, even MIT. honestly, i dont know how i ended up in a room with those kind of people. oh wait... maybe bc i may match up to them. i couldve been in their spots as easily as they couldve been in mine. (maybe, thats what i like to hope). no, but seriously, it kind of does something to the self esteem to be surrounded by people who seem to be somewhat driven and smart in their lives. they go to good schools, they got an internship, they have projects and coding experince, things they'll actually do. do i belong in this room? thats the type of question that goes in my head. at the harvard conference, no, i didnt feel like i belonged in that room at all. all those smart asian girls with so much drive and ambition and much more self involved than i am. i am both simple and complex. i dont quite fit into that - but i think i do have a talent; i do have something. i dont know how far it can take me. i guess its as far as i wanna push myself.

i feel my drive to make the film wane, and it makes me sad, because i wanted to do that. i think just the last 3 days have been so draining i havent had mind to do anything else. i tidied up the kitchen at least, im gonna clean my room a bit, and maybe just chill. im at home tomorrow for work and it should be easy stuff so itll be fine.

a strange place im in. i wonder what to do. am i doing right? am i doing wrong? (no, i dont think so). emotions are meh. still not fully happy and clear. still some lingers of the past.

ill be leaving soon enough... but this year has been kinder, so far. maybe because, partially, i made those decisions for myself. yes, i got lucky that i got the dorms; but im the one who applied and sat through an hour of buffering screens when applications opened. yes, i went to italy, it was lovely - but im the one who worked and saved, found the program, applied asap, did everything i could, paid for myself. yes, i had a boyfriend, but i searched an app for a guy who was maybe a little bit of a loser and would probably treat me right - i got flowers and gifts and love for the first time in a while. though i didnt reciprocate it, knowing that was still possible was nice. my brain has already shifted to looking for others but i know its too soon, its only been a month since we broke up. i still think about him but i just realized, probably only once or twice a day. for a boyfriend i just broke up? jesus, thats not a lot. yes i grieved but the lack of it shows me that maybe i was right to end it. am i right for wanting it to start again in the fall? maybe you should just leave that boy alone...

[tetedump]

Could you talk a bit about your journey with therapy, if you're comfortable and any tips you have for finding a therapist who clicks with you? I havent yet found someone who understands the complexity of my experiences and I feel like i'm losing hope.

for sure! <3 thank you for the question:) so proud of you for still trying to find someone who you click with—i know it can take like literally forever, so massive props to you for sticking with it and knowing what you want (or what you don't) :)

my therapists have spanned general talk therapy (i went in and said 'hi i want help managing day-to-day life/depression/my friend says therapy would be helpful for me so i'm here' and then i let them do their thing), an ocd treatment program, and cptsd trauma therapy.

the general talk therapists I liked because I thought they were kind, i felt heard, and i liked that they offered different perspectives than the other adults in my life at the time did. i only noticed the progress after months and months—it was slower changes to my thought patterns that taught me to think about what was happening more logically in addition to having my emotional reactions to it, as well as thinking about the likelihood of someone else actually feeling or thinking what i thought they did.

the ocd treatment program (i used NOCD, highly enjoyed) was really good for me because the end of my talk therapy I felt a bit like we were chatting, and like progress wasn't being made each session. like i had somewhere i wanted to go and the therapist wasn't finding the same things important that i was. i liked that the ocd therapist was younger (my prior therapists had been 40+ yo and this one was in her late 20s I believe) and she wasn't afraid to talk about intense topics—but i also wasn't afraid to talk about intense topics. her age helped, because it felt less like talking to an adult and more like talking to a peer i really respected, but I also was at a different point in my self confidence ~journey~. i like to think that if i was with the talk therapists now i would be more blunt/honest, but I think younger age therapists have definitely clicked for me more.

my current trauma therapist i found because after realizing that i needed/wanted specialized treatment for my ocd (exposure and response prevention, aka ERP), i went on psychology today and typed in 'cptsd' and 'ocd'. then i went and all the therapists that looked fairly friendly i emailed to confirm that they had experience treating both cptsd and using ERP. i just liked the vibe of the therapist who got back to me the quickest; i liked her website and she sounded kind on the phone and open to working with me even though i didn't know exactly what i needed. I appreciate that her facial expressions really rarely change when I talk to her—that would have terrified me in years prior, but now it just teaches me that she's going to react to everything i say the same, so i can share what i want. I like that she gives me ample time in our EMDR processing for me to work through things on my own, but she's there and doesn't leave me hanging if i'm stuck. I like that she's teaching me to do the work on myself—i liked that about the ocd program as well. i knew exactly what we were doing at any moment and how it was benefitting me, and how i could do a similar thing outside of the session.

questions for you—do you know what topics you'd like to discuss in your therapy? do you know if there's a specific 'disorder' you'd like to work on, or a specific type of therapy? you could put any of those things into psychology today to help narrow down some therapists, and those could be great things to bring up to the therapist. it's also 100% valid to want a therapist who identifies similarly to you—it's not weird at all to not go to a therapist bc they aren't the same or similar gender/race/age/sexuality/immigration status/literally anything. you could also always ask a therapist for recommendations if they don't personally fit what you're looking for—in emailing a bunch of people, i was like 'if you don't have experience in these areas, would you be able to recommend me someone who you think might be a good fit?'

i'm incapable of writing short things, particularly about therapy; we hope i'll get better at that in the years to come 🤦‍♀️ please ask any other questions you may have. it can take time, but you've absolutely got this.

[stellawolfe30]

thinkin about how the journey to the west is just one big mess for wukong. but like, in a family sense.

idfk this might make no sense. also tw for mentions of abuse and manipulation.

i like to imagine before he meets tripitaka he's not a bad person at all, hes just wild, impulsive and theres things he doesnt understand. like as a very powerful monkey with no parents or role models there are things he doesnt understand regarding society, morals and right vs wrong.

hes impulsive and wild, a good person at heart but he doesnt know that some of the things he tends to do is moraly wrong. like okay he takes the immortal peaches yeah he knows its stealing but does he completly understand what stealing does? does he understand how it impacts other people? no. he just thinks "oooooh pretty yummy peaches i want some. people are gaurding it? oh no problem im sneaky"

like a child.

he doesnt understand how things affect other people until someone explains it or it happens to him.

"why are you pouting mihou"

"you ate my pile of peaches"

"oh...well, they were just laying there i dont really see the pr-"

*mihou sniffles*

"oh shit-"

then he rushes and grabs an even bigger pile of peaches from the mountain and drops it in front of mihou and then watches him eat while also thinking about how his dear friend reacted to him eating his peaches. hes king? cant he have anything he wants? so why did mihou care so much when he took his peaches? and why did he panic when he saw mihou cry.

he doesnt understand emotions or consequences until the result is staring at him in the face. especially when its someone he cares about or himself. then he starts to understand.

so he's childish, impulsive, wild, chaotic but also protective and thoughtful. he'll take a moment to think about things but the thought it almost never finished unless he really wants to understand something. and sometimes lui er mihou has to teach him and explain.

but in the end wukongs just a little monkey guy that wants to hang out on flower fruit mountain with his monkey people forever. he doesnt want to die because he doesnt want to lose what he has. he became strong because hes king. hes supposed to protect them so he will be strong enough to do so.

then imagine tripitaka comes in. tripitaka tries a simple worded approach to tell wukong dont do this dont do that, 'DONT KILL PEOPLE!!!! even though in wukongs mind "they were stealing our stuff and tried to hurt you tho-" the circelt activates.

wukong doesnt understand what did he do wrong? he was protecting his master like he was supposed to right? is this not? is this not how it works? how is this supposed to work?!?!

wukong does not understand most of the time why tripitaka activates the circlet. he did his job to the best of his understanding so why does he keep activating it?!

but i also think about how alot of media portrays the relationship to be father and son. mentor and student

"if a man teaches you for a day regard him as your father for the rest of your life"-chinese proverb.

so lets say tripitaca does explain things. but he doesnt explain it good enough. he doesnt understand how little wukong actually genuinly doesnt understand.

hes spent 100's of years on his mountain with other monkeys. he's never had to REALLY think about morals or emotions or complex things like right and wrong. hes just been a funky monkey eating fruit under the sun.

so when tripitaka tries to explain it doesnt get through to wukong because he doesnt understand how wukong works mentally.

"killing people is wrong"

"why, it gets them out of our way faster then just idk kicking them or breakign thier legs"

"because it is wrong wukong"

"but...why? why is it wrong?"

"because murder is evil"

"why, i dont get it, ive seen evil people murder as ive seen good people murder i dont get why it is wrong"

the circlet activates.

tripitaka (and thank you wolfcamellias for this beautiful idea GO READ THIER ANALYSIS NOW I HAVENT FINISHED READING IT BUT YOU SHOULD GO NOW THEYRE WRITING AND ART AND AASDFEGRHTFJYHGMSO GOOD) see's wukong as a parent would thier child in the sense that they want to mold and shape them into thier perfect image of child/student. and they will do that through any means. even if it hurts. its an abusive familial relationship. wukong is manipluated to think of tripitaka as a father and why wouldnt he know any better? hes never had a father but this monk is...teaching him? thats what he says hes doing. shaping him into the perfect hero weapon hes meant to be. hes meant to be perfect, hes meant to be a hero people can look up to. a king that protects and he loves that idea. he smiles at the image of being a hero people can look up to and depend on for proection, people will love him.

but hes confused, why is tripitaka using the circlet? perhaps thats just how discipline works. yes yes thats what master says. he says its discipline its neccasary

tripitaka is doing what is necasarry to make wukong better. to make him perfect. was he not good enough before? master says he wasnt. so he couldnt have been. but hes good now? yes yes hes good enough hes good hes perfect.

and thats what wukong thinks. thats his mentallity through the journey as the circlect stays. it becomes a mentallity of, "i deserve this" or "its for the best", "he only does this because he cares enough to teach me"

dont even get me started on how this plays out when macaque tries to get him out. bro...

"i never understood..."

"i never understand what it meant to carelessly stain my hands with blood until i drowned in your's"

its a manipulative situation and i like to think back then wukong was easier to manipulate because there's things he just didnt understand or pick up on.

but then he went on the journey. he learned things dont get me wrong he learned important things whether he wanted to or not. he picked up on alot during the journey and even after. he started to see more and understand better the way the world and people work. how morals and consequences affect the world and the things we do and he kept learning throughout his time as hero until he decided to retire. then again he stll doesnt seem to be good enough. he keeps fucking up he keeps making mistakes.

maybe something he "learned" from his master wasnt right?

no no it was fine, that was fine. it was all for the best and betterment of himself.

he does end up finnaly realising that some things he ended up learning/picked up throughout the jourey wasnt right. kind of in the same sense as how abused children adapt to thier surroundings to survive. "dont bother when upset" "watch thier emotions" "keep it to yourself"

i think thats what causes wukongs HORRIBLE communication skills and desire to carry evem the heaviest weight alone on his shoulders.

its when he realises that some things he's been doing and "learned" isnt good. thats not what "normal" or "healthy" people do.

the circlet wasn't fucking necessary

and thats when he decides to retire.

what a long winded way to say wukong is neurodivergent and has been abused and manipulated.

[actualbird]

Oh god!

I really love the poly headcanons they are so sweet.... (or don't but that's part of it and i think the tot boys+MC deserve all the love the world has to give).

But, liking it or not, our 4 beloved boys are kinda complicated (that's what makes them perfect). Plus I never thought about how people get in poly relationships. So i was thinking, how do you think they all get into a polyrelationship together?

(I really have no idea of how that would happen)

hi, two anons!! im glad you guys liked my nxx team polycule stuff!! i'll answer these in one go, my "headcanon" (in quotes because i think this kinda turned into a character analysis/minific of sorts HAHA) being what first anon asked, How They Get Together.

heads up, wc of this is 1.9k words long so buckle up for a bit of a read jfsjdfkjbf

because first anon, youre right!!! the boys are stupendously complicated which i love so so much but canon has also shown us clearly that each of the boys' quirks and habits and tendencies causes a lot of (mostly played for laughs) friction. the bickering, the backhanded insults, the "im the best one here" preening contests. theyre all SOOOO RIDICULOUS and it is hilarious but yep! the boys r complex!! and that means this beautiful ship, imo, has a lot of phases to get to the actual romantic relationship bit.

how they get together, in my opinion, starts because of mc.

not in the sense that she matchmakes them all, but like.

phase 1 of the nxx team polycule is this:

through being in love with her (which we all know the boys 100% are), each of the boys come to terms with their own flaws and weaknesses. it's very apparent to me in all the story thus far that these boys are flawed as hell, it's very compelling but even more compelling to me is how all of them also do intense mental gymnastics to Not Confront Those Flaws. like, marius is a dickbag always teasing and toeing the line of insincerity, vyn is a controlling mf who always tries to sway situations to his benefit, artem is so repressed to the point that he has genuine trouble with emotions, luke is a self sacrificial bastard and also a huge hypocrite about how no, actually, hes the only one that should be hiding his pain and being dishonest, no dishonesty from other people!! in the beginning of the story, all the boys have their flaws and seem to have just kinda...not addressed how those flaws are harming them and the people around them.

and then mc rolls around and they all fall in love with her. and she sees those flaws and she doesnt let them slide. she challenges the boys in her own ways to see another side of the situation, to acknowledge what theyre doing. she doesnt want to get rid of flaws, thats impossible and also not cool. she just has this beautiful hope for like, all of humanity, that goodness can prevail with the right work. so when she sees her beloved nxx boys, she believes that for them as well.

which leads to phase 2 of the nxx team polycule:

the boys, more aware of themselves, become more aware of each other.

they werent Unaware of the others of course. it's just that they didnt like...truly connect on a personal level just yet. they saw the other teammembers with their emotional armor and flaws and saw a wall that wasnt worth looking past.

but after mc makes them realize that hey, flaws arent the end of the world actually, it's alright and the person behind them may just be worth it, the boys like. end up understanding the others. A LOT OF THIS BIT IS UNINTENTIONAL, ON THEIR PARTS KJDSBFS. like they stumble into understanding each other by accident, they didnt plan it, but over the course of nxx investigations, it's inevitable that they end up seeing the depths of the others. i delve into this a little bit in my fanfic "filler eps of the lost gold" where the boys are just going thru their actions and then trip over another boy's fears or desires and through that, gain a deeper understanding mutually.

and with understanding, sometimes, comes trust.

phase 3 of the nxx team polycule goes like this:

everybody in this team, whether they like it or not, whether they know it or not, has a heart that wants to give love so desperately.

marius lives in a world full of snakes so he cant have his heart on his sleeve for his own protection. vyn wants to be seen as perfect and the heart is inherently messy so he holds it back. artem for a very very long time was focused on work and success and achievement that he neglected his heart. and luke has been giving love all his life in a sense but in a way thats hidden.

all these tendencies that are brought upon their life circumstances results in this: they want to love honestly but they havent been able to do this

until mc. and all of them want to push back whatever fears or patterns their life has instilled in them because they see her and see somebody so unwaveringly good that all their hearts begin giving love to her to make her happy and to make themselves happy as well.

but heres the thing. the boys dont just see mc. by this point, they have connected and understood and come to trust each other as well, and the consequence of that is that They Can See Each Other Now Too, Truly.

and heres the thing. all of the boys are unwaveringly good as well.

one by one, each of the boys realize that what they feel for the other boys in the team starts to...change. yeah theyre all friends, they pick on each other a lot of the time, but the bedrock of the relationship is solid and strong now. but when marius is with luke, marius sees a light inside of luke so bright that he seems unaware that he gives off. when artem is with vyn, artem sees a goodness inside of vyn that hesitates to make itself obvious and known because vyn is scared of getting hurt thanks to it. all of them see the other and their goodness and, unbidden, their hearts want to give love to each other as well.

and because theyre all a bit stupid in their own way theyre like, huh, weird! wonder why this feeling is so familiar! and yet i cant seem to name it...and then they all independently compare these feeling with the feelings they have for mc, a feeling they do know the name of, and theyre like.

WAIT.

THESE FEELINGS ARE...VERY BASICALLY EXACTLY WHAT I FEEL FOR MC.

which only means one thing: theyve fallen in love with everybody else

marius: //goes to his studio to Think and sees that a bunch of his recent art actually had little crumbs of these feelings already, etched into the brushstrokes and scenes. has an emotional crisis about it

vyn: //records a 1 hour long entry in his audio diary to examine and gain control of his feelings but by the end of the hour all he knows is that he wants to hold these people and be held by them

artem: //quite literally just bluescreens, artem.exe has stopped working, sits at his study and slowly, slowly, thunks his head down onto his desk, valiantly trying to ignore the fast pulse of his heart

luke: //manically vents about it to peanut who, by virtue of being a bird, doesnt get it. just keeps talking at peanut to get a grasp of it all and then lies down on the floor, overwhelmed

mc, sitting in her apartment watching some netflix: ...why do i inexplicably feel as if something very, very important has just happened?

phase 4 of the nxx team polycule is basically:

pining: extreme difficulty level

because pining is already hard when ur pining for one person. what more for an additional 3 more people. and those additional 3 more people are pining back.

and all these boys are SOOOO OBVIOUS with their romantic feelings, in their own special way. the way they show their affection to mc starts to bleed into their interactions with the others and everybody can CLEARLY SEE WHAT IS GOING ON, LOL, but also all the boys are too chickenshit to confront it, because if they confront it, what will even happen??? being in love with each other, all of them, thats going to be such a complicated fucking relationship, holy shit. it's 2030, yeah, being a polyamorous group relationship isnt completely unheard of, but sue them, theyre scared.

but mc (who i forgot to mention already knows of the boys' romantic feelings for her, shes just hasnt made a move yet on any of them because SHES IN LOVE WITH ALL OF THEM AS WELL and shes been trying to figure out how the hell to make that work, she cant bear to choose just one of them, she'd be heartbroken over leaving the rest of them behind) sees that the nxx investigation team is now all pining for each other FULLY and she kinda wants to laugh when she realizes whats going on because like, what are the chances? that this would happen? that they all found each other and their feelings fell into just the right place for nobody to be left behind?

theyre all scared, she can tell. and she is as well, she wont lie.

but shes always had a belief that goodness can prevail with the right work.

and love is one of the greatest goods out there.

phase 5 of the nxx team polycule:

It's Time For Communication, Baby!!!!!

the exact scenes of how this happens is a bit vague to me. it could go two ways: mc going to each of the boys independently to talk about feelings, hers about everybodys and his about everybodys as well. OR they have a fucking meeting about it all together and artem literally schedules it in his google calendar, or something.

either way, they like, actually talk about this. starts casual, maybe over a chill date, maybe over dinner at a nice restaurant, maybe over a walk in the park as the sun is starting to set. but where ever it happens, the end result is the same: a heart is laid out bare and it is taken in gentle, grateful hands.

marius: OKAY, NOW THAT THE FEELINGS ARE OUT OF THE WAY, CAN I PLEASE KISS ONE OR ALL OF YOU, PLEASE, IVE BEEN WANTING TO KISS U GUYS FOR FOREVER

vyn, laughing fondly: has anybody ever told you patience is a virtue? we quite literally just talked it all out.

marius: //needy whining noises

artem, embarrassed: ive...never kissed anybody before

luke, embarrassed but trying to play it Cool: ....same here

mc: kissing is great, you two will love it!

marius: awesome, awesome, so is ANYBODY going to give me a go ahead or WHAT????

phase 6 of the nxx team polycule:

i dont want to say it's happily ever after, once they all get together. thats not really realistic.

they all have their quirks and tendencies and habits. and those will inevitable clash against each other. theyll have their arguments, theyll get upset, theyll sulk and be angry, sometimes. but also...

theyll see each other smile and feel like their love shining so brightly. theyll reach out for another's hand and be held in such a way that makes them think that their heart is in a safe place. theyll love each other and theyll put in the work to continue loving each other. because goodness will prevail.

and they all see each other as the most good people in the world.

so whatever happens, theyll get through it together.

[dateamonster]

hello tumblr user dateamonster!! do you have any recommendations for good zombie media? my gf rlly likes zombies but has burned through a lot of the good stuff to be easily found. movies shows anime games etc, anything goes. ty!

oof good question but one im not sure im totally qualified to answer since most of the zombie media i consume is on the campier, sillier side.

i do have some somewhat more Serious zombos i enjoy tho!

the girl with all the gifts is one of my alltime favs (and ive heard the book is good too tho i havent read it) it hits a lot of the beats zombie fans will probably already be familiar with but the main character being a sort of half-zombie (makes more sense in context trust me) as well as a child born into this apocalyptic setting creates a totally new perspective and to me is one of the strongest most thoughtful pieces of work to come out of this sorta subgenre in a long time

the resident evil game series is probably a given. on the off chance she hasnt played it or watched a playthrough, that shits mandatory.

z-nation i think kinda tippytoes the line between stuff fans of, for example, the walking dead will recognize and enjoy in terms of ya know a story focusing more on the interpersonal drama of a group of survivors living through an ongoing apocalypse, and the sillier doesnt-take-itself-too-seriously stuff i personally enjoy, like the ongoing bit where theres just a big ball of entangled zombies rolling across the scenery. its the delicious junk food of tv zombies (though granted ive only watched i think the first few seasons when it was playing nonstop on syfy)

and if you want to join me in enjoying only thee most quality campy schlock..

zombieland saga! literally one of my favorite anime ever! i consider it in this sort of less serious category because the concept of undead idol girls is obviously pretty ridiculous on paper and not gonna be everyones thing, but if the premise even remotely intrigues you, please give it a shot. the story is fun, the characters are loveable and surprisingly complex beneath the typical moe girl archtype exteriors, the humor is on point but doesnt undermine the actually pretty effective emotional moments, and the music fucks! we stan!

z-o-m-b-i-e-s is like c-tier early 2000s dcom realness with a 2018 budget, better choreography, worse songs, questionable moral messaging, all reeking with a dangerous level of green hair dye and party city greasepaint fumes. ive watched it like four times. i cant totally explain it but its got like nostalgic high school musical vibes except more paranormal and much much sillier. dares to ask the question: can cheerleading end all prejudice and bring about world peace? (the answer is yes but theyll be repeating that question for three movies)

zombie prom. very similar to the above in general vibe except the music is honestly kind of good? theres a stage play and a movie which is more or less just a slightly shortened version. in a lot of ways it honestly feels like the fully realized version of z-o-m-b-i-e-s. if you watch the movie ru paul is there, whether thats an incentive or disincentive.

and to wrap it up another game you probably already know about, lollipop chainsaw. yes its problematic but i am honoring my past teenage self who averted their gaze when they walked by it on the shelves in gamestop by saying tara strong sexy cheerleader zombie slayer game is fun and good.

anyway all this to say my taste is very questionable when it comes to this subgenre but i hope u get something out of it. a lot of zombie stories kinda flop for me because the horror element gets watered down into this more actiony survive the zombo apocalypse type thing but the concept of zombies is definitely something that interests me despite this and there are definitely some good pieces of zombie media out there.

oh! and i havent read it yet, but ive heard really promising things about the book manhunt by gretchen felker-martin. not explicitly a zombie story i dont think but draws from the same place for sure. would be worth checking out i think.

[probably-haven]

Hello!! After seeing what you wrote about xiaoven fics I went to see what things you usually write and omg, your archon Venti headcanons????? I am absolutely in love. So if it isn't annoying, could you talk about xiaoven or Venti or Xiao or whatever ship or character you like? I don't care what you are going to say, I just want to know more about your thoughts ^^

I- is this... bestie, this is essentially a free ramble pass- kerujsgheskdfug. Trust me when I say that in no way is this, and in no way will it ever be annoying in the slightest- i literally- lets just say rambling off thoughts is kind of my specialty, especially when provided a topic to branch off of because otherwise I'm just- really indecisive about it so- iujskdh yeah- 100% definitely down to talk about Venti, Xiao, and/or Xiaoven XD. Also, yes- it may have been awhile since i last posted one(cuz again, indecisive about which direction to take part 5), but the Archon War Era Venti headcanons are still without a doubt my favorite posts I've made. It's just such an interesting topic with such endless potential that so few people actually think about or consider or even realize is there, so i always just get really psyched whenever i see someone interact with them lol.

.... this ended up being a bit of a mess: warning in advance

Anyway! onto the actual content!

- You see the thing about Xiaoven is that there's a lot of different ways that it could end up working out, and just personally my favorite way of portraying Xiaoven in my mind is as an unlabeled relationship because if anyone in genshin would give off that vibe its these two. And a number of other reasons.

- Firstly, I heavily headcanon Venti as being an aroace polyplatonic or perhaps heavily demiromantic. However, regardless of this I just don't think that Venti is really the kind of person to worry about how he should label his feelings, thinking it's silly to try to put them in one box or the other, especially with feelings and emotions being as fluid as they are in general. Plus it fits his whole God of Freedom vibe. I just- dont think he's the biggest fan of labels or social categorization in general.

- And secondly on the hand of Xiao... his defense mechanisms are very much ingrained in his personality. It's probably hard enough for him to not go into fight or flight(the answer is fight) at the slightest affection at first, at the slightest feeling of vulnerability. Even further down the line, with his fierce dedication to Liyue, I cant help but get the vibe that the moment he recognized that he was falling for Venti he would begin avoiding him, not only to avoid distraction from his duty, but to avoid corrupting him or losing him in general like he has with like basically every other person he gets close with(even believing that the cycle had repeated once more when he first heard of Morax's death)... now imagine Venti tryna slap a label on their relationship and tell me Xiao would have a positive reaction.

- The thing with Xiaoven.... honestly, i feel like theres more ways that it can go wrong than it can go right, but if they do manage to make their relationship work out, it's just simply beautiful in all terms of the word.

- Lets talk about killing. - During the Archon War, both were forced to kill a large number of people and gods alike- Venti out of a need to remain alive to protect Mondstadt, it's freedom, and the nameless bard's legacy by extent- and Xiao out of servitude to the god that was once his master

..... actually- break here- ive talked a lot about Venti on this blog but I havent actually spoken about Xiao all that much- so i should probably do that a bit first... do note though that my characterization of Xiao is pretty flexible actually- this is just- the possible characterization of him that i tend to favor as being the most- uh- "realistically complex"

-

Theres a line I saw this one time in a certain story: "He is a trained weapon. That's what he is, was, and always will be. You cannot change that so stop trying." And i just- think its a really interesting concept- that applies pretty well to Xiao now that i actually think about it. - the concept behind it is this: After spending more than a vast majority of his life killing or otherwise in battle, it's become a part of who he is, a normalcy that after centuries and centuries would be near impossible to get rid of or reverse, and even if it was possible, with his karmic debt constantly eating away at him its unlikely he has enough time left for that to happen. - it sounds like a cruel thing to say about him- but in context it's actually pretty layered and i think about it a lot. It's not as much a "he's a killer lol, that his whole personality" its more of a "The centuries of trauma he experienced have conditioned him into a constantly alert and battle ready mindset while also shaping his dehumanizing inferior-in-worth-but-superior-in-capability view of himself that would have likely been necessary to get through those time, and at this point he's been under that conditioning for long enough that it's essentially ingrained itself in his personality."

- the main idea is- it's a part of who he is, that needs to be accepted as who he is because its not something that he can just up and change. It's not all he is of course but his constant battle mode, as though always waiting to be ambushed or to be granted a new target to eradicate.

a couple character story quotes:

-"His past of service under the evil god had rid Xiao of his innocence and gentleness. All that remained within him was the means to kill and the weight of his sins. The only way he could be of service to mortals was in combat." -"Xiao does not feel any hatred. Having lived for over two thousand years, no single karmic debt constitutes anything more than a fleeting memory. No grudge can last a thousand years; nor is any debt so great that it cannot be paid off in this time. Xiao has spent many long years alone. But his battles have never been in vain." -"where did Xiao have to return to? He was merely leaving the battlefield." -"since Xiao wages a constant war against dark forces powerful enough to devour Liyue in its entirety, any bystanders who witness him in the heat of battle are likely to end up as collateral damage." -"The war he fights can never be won, and will never come to an end." -"Because ultimately, the one with whom Xiao wrestles is himself."

i feel like at some point this very nearly did consume his whole personality, almost turning him into nothing more than a being of slaughter under Morax's control, devoid of any "humanity" at all, consumed and corrupted by his karmic debt like his fellow yakshas before him. - until he experienced a moment of clarity- a song in the wind, the peaceful melody of a dihua flute. - and pulled back from the border of something he wouldnt have been able to return from, there a was a shift in his mind- a concept grown unfamiliar enough with time that it took him a great time to identify what it was; a curiosity. Something that there was no place for on the battlefield, something that by all means should have been completely useless to Xiao, and yet he held onto that curiosity, slowly regaining over time, a sense of who he was and who he could choose to be with each song that the wind chose to carry towards him every once in a blue moon.

and eventually that curiousity turned to longing. Longing "for a day to come when he will wear the mask and dance — not to conquer demons, but to the tune of that flute amid a sea of flowers"

...... uh- heh- if you couldn’t tell already i have a tendency to make my characterizations/analyses of characters more serious that i probably should. 

to summarize: Xiao is constantly toeing the line between his ingrained nature and his humanity- almost as though still trying to decide how much of that humanity he deserves to have, how much he is allowed to have, and how much is safe to have.

^looking back after writing this, i think the best way to explain it is that this is the view that i keep in mind/the lense that i tend to most enjoy looking through and refering back to while examining and/or analyzing his character, actions, story, lines, and overall personality.

idk- i kinda got off track but i just think its a really interesting interpretation to think about because it has some really interesting implications ig- it’s not the full extent of how i view him of course, but i kinda got ahead of myself and its long enough as is so ill just elaborate as i go- Lol i actually have in progress playlists for both him and venti and just- vibes- i could ramble about the playlists alone for hours explaining everything... It’s probably a problem- uh- ill keep going now lol.

anyways! stepping off the angst path for a brief break! Brought to you by their lines in the snow: both waiting for it to get thick enough, Venti for the purpose of a snowball fight and Xiao for the purpose of a tasty and nutritious breakfast.

but its actually something of note that Xiao doesnt actually need to eat so anything he does eat is usually out of obligation or enjoyment- so like.... snow.... like i dont blame him, but of all things- an adeptus who refuses to eat basically anything but almond tofu looks at the freezing-cold-floor-water that yeeted itself from above and decided at some point- damn- that seems more edible than basically ever single actually edible thing ever.... im gonna eat it- like- im glad if eating snow makes him happy but- at the same time...

He probably convinces Venti to eat snow too though and Venti wouldnt even resist I mean he’s wind and has probably consumed worse things in his time so- 2 anemo cryptids with glowing tattoos sitting in Dragonspine monching snow in the dead of night is an amusing thought to me.

- kay, now back to more serious-toned thoughts

One of the things about the ship that i really like is the different contradicting parallels between them:

A lot of how i view Xiao’s character is someone formed largely by the things he cant control and who was forced to accept that accepted that and learned to thrive in it as much as he can.  Venti on the other hand is surrounded by things he cant control and is ever adapting to control as much as he can while embracing whatever he cant as being part of the unpredictability of the world, seeing beauty in it. 

both of them have lost people and do what they do to honor their memory: Xiao continues to do what the Yakshas once did And Venti chooses to do what his friend couldn’t

Xiao’s power coming from himself  and Venti’s from others And both seem to appear to use their power for their own gain while truly helping others behind the scenes

both have killed a lot of people during the archon war Xiao views it as another necessary event out of his control and Venti would likely view it as a tragedy he chose to enact himself

and this is where we meet out balance

Xiao- contrary to how i think a lot of people view him as thinking of himself as a monster- seems canonically to have accepted this as part of his duty, as long as those he killed are not mortals. I dont think he enjoys it no- but someone has to do it and he’s just accepted that its a part of his duty Venti on the other hand-

See the beauty of the ship- as someone with an angst-centric mind- is this- these are two of the most traumatized mfers in the game 

Xiao is by far the one who needs the most help and who can serve to benefit most from the ship- but he is nowhere near self aware enough to recognize that there’s anything wrong or unhealthy about his mindset in the slightest-

whereas you have the contrast with Venti who sorted through most of his trauma with the nameless bard alone during the archon war and while the result appears more healthy- is still really not- but he’s not self aware of that either because i mean- who’s going to tell him? nobody even knows. 

however- venti is aware enough to notice flaws in Xiao’s mindset and “Venti” enough to want to help them through it-

Xiao- while not aware enough to recognize the flaws in Venti’s mindset, can recognize where it contrasts with his own, and is blunt enough to point it out- and then it’s out there to be mulled over- 

they’re so similar and yet so different and a feel just conversing between the two of them, being in each others precense, just being exposed to two mindsets that are so very different could do both of them a whole lot of good.

GEEE THAT BIT OF RAMBLING HAD LITTLE TO NO DIRECTION AT ALL- LET ME-- LET ME MAKE THIS START MAKING SENSE- WITH... DYNAMICS OR SOMETHING

I don’t think Xiao needs to sleep really- and i dont think that sleeping would do anything except make him uneasy at first- he’d probably just get nightmares after all he’s been through- but with Venti he would soon learn that it doesn’t have to be that way, lulled into the first peaceful sleep he’s had in... as long as he can remember.

anywho back to not making sense cuz im fickle and i think most questions about ships are best displayed through character interactions so like- a possible exchange thats cliche but cliches exist for a reason

Xiao: Why do you try so hard to help me, it isn’t easy. I know that much Venti, with the most adoring expression: Because you’re worth it, obviously Xiao: But surely there are others more deserving of- Venti: No Xiao, everyone is just as deserving as the next person, you included Xiao: Then why me above others? Venti: ehe, cuz ur my warrior of course [O//////O oh shit, hes right] Xiao: My contract is with Morax alone [gay panic but in broody yaksha]

it’s kinda difficult cuz neither of them really address their feelings.  I mean Venti does but he does it very indirectly and its rare that he ever does it with like- genuine directness- even spilling his backstory was in the form of a song- and told in the third person- so a lot of their interactions would often have some deeper meaning, especially with Venti being the bard he is. 

I come up with a lot of- errant thoughts about Xiaoven- but this is making me realize that a true analysis of their ship is rather difficult because it just encompasses so many dynamics so its hard to settle on just one and not go rambling about who knows what bouncing from one end of the ship to the other-  Because you truly can and thats the beauty of it

within one moment you can be having a heartfelt conversation about the archon war the impact of lost friends and times past, and the next moment Venti is trying to forcefeed Xiao an apple while Xiao screams about disrespecting the adepti and its just- so lovely

so while they have picnics with nothing but apples, dandelion wine, and almond tofu they can sit down and talk about the dreams Xiao once devoured, and the dandelion wine and apple cider that the first Ragnvindir invented from the plants that never could have grown in Old Mond. The foods that tasted of familiarity, or of the grilled ticker fish Pervases always used to eat, foods that tasted of friends and frankly family that had since passed, glaze lilies and cecilias and qingxin flowers scattered in the surroundings and woven into Xiao’s neat braids and Venti’s now messy ones, rebraided by the steady and inexperienced hands of one unused to gentle action. 

and then of course Venti steals Xiao’s tofu once the mood becomes too grim and replaces it with a bottle of wine that Xiao refers to as “vile poison,” a remark that fatally wounds Venti as he collapses on the floor, proclaiming how he can only be healed by a Yaksha’s kiss. Xiao ignores this of course and simply takes back his tofu with a slight smile on his face, but as Venti persists he soundlessly places a kiss on his own palm before intertwining their fingers and pulling him back up from where he was dramatically sprawled on the floor, grumbling about how such action was “unbecoming of an archon.” A sign of affection only Xiao would ever know about. But Venti is literally wind and I hc his senses work differently anyways so he definitely knows- plus Xiao’s face is red as the blood of his enemies and the way he is pointedly not looking at Venti at all really speaks volumes anyways. 

 -Venti playing epic battle music whenever Xiao goes into fights in what looks like a ridiculously extra performance to anyone else but is actually doing wonders to keep Xiao’s karma at bay

-Venti preaches the practice of “kissing wounds better” and Xiao is unfamiliar with this medical treatment but views it as unnecessary regardless because adepti have accelerated healing, doesn’t mean he’s going to stop him though. 

-Messages whispered on the wind

-Venti’s 1000 year sleep- an accident, not a fun time for the yaksha, and not a fun time for Venti once he woke up. Venti is actually more afraid of restful sleep than Xiao is, hence the sleeping in trees thing, but when Xiao is there, he can sleep restfully with faith that Xiao wont let another millennia slip through his fingertips. 

- Xiao tends to make excuses when doing things that aren’t necessary to his duty, like in his birthday voice line “Have this, it’s a butterfly i made from leaves... Okay. Take it. It’s an adepti amulet -- it staves off evil” because at the current point in his progress it helps him to feel like he’s allowed to do these things. Not wanting to put him off from progress, Venti never comments on his excuse but never fails to whisper a quick reminder of how proud he is of how far Xiao had come.

- Xiao’s karma saddens Venti greatly- not only because of how it effects Xiao but also because its a reminder that as much as Venti tries to honor the memory of those he’s killed, there will always be those who resent him for it, and when he took the option of living away from them, he truly can’t blame them. - And when he gets too wrapped up in thoughts, whether around this topic or similar ones or otherwise, eventually, he’ll hear the sound of a flute on the wind. It’s not divine by any means, but as his own wind connects him to the source, he gets the sentiment all the same. “What impact does one individual’s remaining wrath have on the present. You have done much to help the living in the present” the unspoken idea that Xiao has included himself in that statement, because now, with Venti’s help he’s beginning to learn just how to experience living for himself. 

- Venti’s form and Xiao’s mask are off limit topics though because if either mentions it the other will counter with the opposite and the mood will turn immediately bitter at the idea that both know that what they’re doing is destructive but neither are willing to change

- Venti who has different tells for negative feelings than most people because as much as he likes to pretend it is- this form isnt his, and Xiao who is able to identify those

- many fanfics and headcanons have Venti recognizing when Xiao is uncomfortable and getting him out of those situations. I see that and I love it but i raise you: - Venti taking Xiao to Mondstadt, careful that he doesn’t get to the point that he’s uncomfortable. And nothing goes wrong exactly, but Xiao notices the the way Venti’s cape is blowing in the wind, the way he’s holding his weight, barely on his feet so much as floating on the wind, connected with the ground only for the sake of appearance, all the while he looks just as happy go lucky as ever. And without a word, he grabs his hand and teleports them both out of Mondstadt.  - turns out it was just a slight thing that reminded him of the archon war (cuz i will die on the hill of him having more tragic backstory than just Decarabian), and he of course gives a sincere if not flustered thanks to Xiao, because he’s really not used to people noticing. 

- Venti trying to vent sneakily through fictional stories and Xiao is just like “Didn’t that basically happen to you” and Venti is just like “<_< shit”

- Venti once said affectionally that he wished he had met Xiao sooner and Xiao immediately and seriously shot it down by saying “If you had, I would have been forced to kill you” and both of them now stay up at night wondering who would have won that fight, not sure which result would have hurt more. (because honestly I have no idea who would win in that fight and that terrifies me- I like to think it would have been one of those legends that end with “and the fight persists to this day” or something along those lines)

- “How long have you been together?” “Adepti have no need for-” “1000+ years T^T how dare you deny our love” “O///O our...? ...useless”

- its disney- let me explain- i have this- i have this headcanon inspired by watching too many animatics- - so venti has a human form that isnt his- which he would have had to get used to moving in- and he’s a bard- - uh- anyway- as a third degree black belt in mixed martial arts, i can speak as an authority on this(not really an authority since i havent gone since quarantine but lets pretend). We have a thing referred to as the big three(most things do), and those things are martial arts, gymnastics, and dance. The idea is that they reflect really well off of each other and the best in any one category are good in all three. Timing, balance, form, discipline, technique, hand-eye coordination, grace, ease of motion, they all play a part- anyway-

- Venti taking Xiao’s prowess in martial arts and acrobatics and teaching him how to dance, and as someone who’s extremely skilled in the first two, the third comes easy to him, almost naturally. And it’s delicate and beautiful and lovely and it isn’t hurting anyone. And Venti points all these things out and more and despite how much Xiao insists that he feels ridiculous he truly does enjoy it and it goes a long way towards helping him form more healthy views of himself and his worth.  - Verr Goldett walked in on him once and made a joke about performing at the inn. unfortunately Venti was there and agreed on Xiao’s behalf before he could protest and- and it wasn’t as bad as Xiao thought it would be... he still wouldn’t do it again though without reason, but with good enough reasoning he could probably be convinced. 

- anyways point is he likes dancing to Venti’s songs and i just think that’s really cute - just picture the idea that all the animatics you see actually have the potential to be canon- ugh

- venti tries holding something out of Xiao’s reach since he’s taller and Xiao just fucking teleports 

- both need their space but when they dont, all they have to do is speak the other’s name and they’ll be there.

- and because i just had to.... love languages

- lets start with Xiao- i don’t think he’d view acts of service or quailty time as a love language tbh, and he blunt but really bad with words so affirmation is out, leaving gift giving and physical touch. However, he seems to view most material things as meaningless so- - Xiao who’s love language is in his fleeting touches, something he’s only recently grown comfortable with because of Venti, and now is giving back, which he knows he doesn’t have to do, but that he want’s to, though he’ll still continue to make excuses for each one. “you were shivering” “The inn is high up, you could have fallen..... I said what I said, you’d question an adeptus?”

- and as easy as it is to say words of affirmation for Venti- he does that for everyone- i want to say his is actually acts of service - its the acts of service that let him see just how much Xiao has progressed afterall, from teaching him to dance, to playing another song on the flute, to supplying him with the almond tofu he seems to enjoy so much. Every little thing he does helps Xiao to grow and he couldn’t be happier about that. 

-

- of course most of my headcanons for the ship do take place latter into the relationship because- y’know the less serious unhealthy vibes allow for greater range of thought, but i do still love to think about the serious implications so i kinda hopped back and forth. So sorry about how messy it is btw, i kinda- got carried away- it kinda got some kind of structure near the end tho so- maybe it’s okay. anyway- back to... lol something, we’ll see where thought forests lead. 

[annaizscribbling]

I WANT TO KNOW!!! ABOUT ELLIE!!! i wanna know about the pink girl!!! shes very cute and sweet (and reminds me a lot of patton kinda) and i want to know more about her.

first of all, when i think of her i kinda think of jules from euphoria, but like in her pastel stages when she wasnt fucked up (/pos). shes so bubblegum. like, hubba bubba girl, yknow?

can i learn a little about her home life? what inspired her to be the way she is? shes been very fluffy since she was a child, clearly, but why? why not be angry at the world?

also you may already have talked about this but i havent scrolled through ur entire calypsokimm tag so i dont know, how did she meet the other girls?

I love Ellie so very much and will happily talk about her <3 fair warning I don't have quite as much backstory laid out for her like I do for Calypso (Cal has the most complex story by far, for obvious reasons, but the other's all have stories, most are just not as detailed/still in development) but there is still going to be so much.

I haven't watched euphoria do idk Jules outside of like, pretty pictures, but I can confirm that Ellie is very hubba bubba bubblegum girl

As I've mentioned in passing, my OCs were originally going to my own sides, but I very quickly decided I could do more with them as their own people. Ellie was set to be the bulk of my emotions, my vulnerability, and my more childish tendencies. I did not want one side to be morality, because I would have given that job to Logic/Athena, which probably tells you something about me as a person lol.

But she would have taken on Patton's character type, as bubbly, oblivious, honest, childish, and angelic in terms of virtue.

Most of the girls have names that fit them perfectly because of like origins and meanings and even what countries they came from, but not Ellie. I looked it up just now, and it means 'light' which is surprisingly fitting for her.

The reason I named her Ellie was simply after my childhood dog. She (the dog) is very old now, but still with us and deeply loved. We first got her when I was around seven or so, and at the time, I adored the name, and always loved to play pretend using it as my character. When we got the dog, my brother suggested it and here we are 11 years later.

All of my girls embody different parts of me, quite literally, because that was the original plan. Ellie literally has the name I used to play pretend with as a kid, and is the name of my oldest pet.

She's unique in that way, as well as her color scheme even. She's color coded with light blue (nod to pat) and pink. Her hair is dyed blue save the ends, which are still her natural brown for some reason.

As for her personality, Ellie is incredibly sunny. She lights up the room as soon as she walks in, she's so good at charming people with earnest conversation and an easy going excitable nature that draws people in. She's lighthearted, funny, giggly, and has a special knack for understanding people. She can be impulsive, wild, and high energy at all times. Sometimes she's reckless, filled with a deep wonder and adoration for the world around her and the things within it. She feels like she's bubbling over with a profound joy for everything around her.

The world is beautiful, to Ellie. It's gorgeous and overwhelming, but so so worth it.

She can be observant, but only when it comes to a person's character, how they work, what they like, and the things that make them special. She won't notice the new curtains or remember what she had breakfast or lots of other basic things that drive Athena to the brink of insanity, but she knows Athena's tells for when she's especially upset, or the sweater she wears when she's thinking about her boyfriend, or even the food she makes when she didn't sleep well the night before. Ellie is good at people, she understands them on a deep and empathic level, she just doesn't notice that she ran another red light by mistake.

Her emotional intelligence comes across as older than she is. In her late twenties, she manages to carry both her almost innocent giddy personality and her very calm, mature, almost ancient understanding of anyone she comes across. She cares, in an honest and loving way that's so genuine it's nearly startling. She almost effortlessly knows how to comfort people, whatever your love language is when you need it, or even what type of person you need. She can be tender and motherly, she can be playful like a sibling, supportive like a friend, or just a loving figure who'll listen to you when you have nobody else.

She's the closest with Bree, but Ellie is good friends with all of her roommates. She makes a point of coaxing Athena and Luna especially into being more open, and she's managed to get them to open up more, so they're able to have friendships where they can all be vulnerable, even where they hate it.

Ellie really is a special person, on some level she knows it. It isn't through grand gestures or a global impact. She doesn't really care too much about leaving her mark on the world or being infamous. Ellie is just different, she understands people. She loves them. She is unique

Alright I'll give some actual background now. It'll explain some of that.

Ellie grew up pretty middle class, her parents had a rocky relationship even before she came along, but they kept their struggling relationship under wraps and just stewed. Ellie was an only child, as her parents quickly realized that having a child didn't fix anything for them, and having another would just be more difficult.

Ellie would never grow up feeling loved by her mother and father.

She was always provided basic necessities as well as entertainment, but was never close or even wanted around her parents, not unless they were in public.

Her parents weren't rich, but were well established in their social circles. They came from a very large extended family with high expectations for how well a family should get along. From neighborhoods, coworkers, friends, and family, it was important to Ellie's family that they looked like the ideal family.

From as young as six years old, Ellie knew when to smile, when it was okay to hug her parents, and when she was expected to sit in her father's lap or hide behind her mom's leg. It never felt real to her, it just felt right. Mom and Dad smiled and laughed with her in public, dad would scoop her up, bouncing her and saying something silly whenever grandma was watching them. Mom would nod when Ellie made a cute comment to Mom's friend. They never said it explicitly, Ellie just learned what was expected of her, what made Mom and Dad happy.

And Ellie really wanted them to be happy.

They fought and screamed at home. They hated eating dinner together, it always ended up so tense and snappy when they did. Ellie didn't understand the numbers and names they were talking about but they made everything scarier. She never knew when the air would break and it would become a true fight. Ellie would be tersely sent to the other room, and Ellie would sit far back on the couch with her hands in her lap, fists around her dress, and her eyes locked straight ahead. She tried desperately not to hear it, or think about it. It was too scary to listen to the yelling.

She wasn't sure if she loved how they seemed to love her when they weren't fighting, or if she just feared the anxiety that rose and bubbled in her chest when they fought.

So she learned. She learned to do good things. if she cleaned the kitchen, Daddy wasn't as annoyed when he came home. If she complimented Mom's body a whole bunch, she'd be lighter, and less likely to start snapping at Dad. She memorized all of their favorite movies and books, so she could always bring them up or play them on TV. It was a quick way to distract them after dinner, if they made it through dinner at all.

They liked when she was cute and quiet. They liked when she made simple friends and did easy activities with them. They liked when she did arts and crafts to put on the fridge. They liked when she was curious about all the right parts of their jobs. They liked when she made safe lighthearted jokes, but only when the mood was correct.

Ellie learned all of the subjects that set Dad off. Ellie learned what tones lead Mom down an angrier path. She learned when and where to interrupt before either parent upset the other.

When she was ten, her father ended up getting a hefty promotion. It changed their dynamic, for the better at first, but everything quickly came back to the stressful everyday life she was so accustomed to.

Then she met Bree, one of her new neighbors.

Ellie had always worked hard to keep herself under control. Make sure all of her qualities were kept under wraps and easy to digest. She kept her positivity dialed all the way up, kept herself as quiet as possible, and never pursued anything impulsive, loud, adventurous, or unpredictable. There was a deep longing inside of her, that wanted nothing more than to throw on her favorite neon blue cardigan and run barefoot through the park, play with other kids, die laughing at a schoolmate, get messy in the mud on a rainy day, finally listen to loud music and scream it without caring who hears, and do things at the drop of a hat.

As desperately as she wanted it, none of that was an option, not in her family. She wasn't sure if she was angry, even as an adult reflecting on it, she's not sure. Adult Ellie might be angry on her younger self's behalf, but little Ellie wasn't angry, just very very scared, and very sad. Her little body was nearly in tatters trying to keep so much love held back, but there was no one to receive or give her the love she craved.

So she spend her days fantasizing about the person she wished she was, but could never be.

But Bree was like that. Bree was very much like that person she wished she was.

Bree was loud. She loved attention as much as she loved giving it. She liked shiny things and singing at the top of her lungs to songs in a language Ellie doesn't know. She loves swooshy dresses and glitter, and is constantly affectionate with her family and friends. She did fun things, she climbed trees, helped her mom cook, ran down the street to meet with her friends, laughed without monitoring her volume, made messes she begrudgingly cleaned. She could be whiny or pouty, but it never stuck and she was always ready to pull herself up. She was feisty maybe petty, and fun. Bree was so fun and Bree's parents didn't dislike the way she had fun. They reigned her in if she got too wild, but they loved her, even when she was difficult or loud.

It shocked Ellie.

Because it was everything Ellie had every dreamed of, living just three doors down.

Somehow they became friends after meeting a few times at block parties and the local pool, and Ellie was introduced to a brand new world. It was like the planet turned upside down. For the first time in her life, Ellie could be herself.

They could be loud, spontaneous, wild, silly, childish, messy, and everything else a 10 year old child was supposed to be. Bree's house was a safe place, with a family who was charmed by her gentle soul and sweet friendship with their youngest daughter. It was a friendship that saved Ellie from the brink of giving up, even as young as she was.

And life went on.

Ellie had neither the desire or the ability to articulate what her homelife was like, so her friendship with Bree was a simply a solace from it all, and the two grew and remained almost impossibly close. The two even ended up at the same school after the next summer, and their days were filled with each other. Endless memories and shrieks of laughter filling their days.

It was the happiest few years of her entire life thus far.

Then her parents took her out of that school to switch her to another. She silently lamented the loss of seeing Bree daily, but still spent copious amounts of time with her outside of school. Things were still okay, things were still happy. She was okay. Everything was okay. Her parents were difficult, but there was peace, life was worth it, and her love for the world had a place to go. She just had to smile

Then Calypso happened.

Ellie loved Cal. She was accepting another person into her life, almost to the same extent that she trusted Bree. Cal was soft and kind, good and pure and gentle. Calypso was not, and the pain of that betrayal nearly broke her.

She spiraled for weeks, barely sleeping, eating, or even getting out of bed for anything but school. Her parents paid little attention, but Bree's family did express some concern that Ellie's own parents pretended to care about. The fighting had been infinitely worse lately, with nonstop screaming, breaking things, kicking each other out of the house. She wasn't sure if it ever got physical, and she was terrified of finding out. Ellie barely saw them, but when she did, she'd just smile. She was so good at smiling. Smile. Smile. Just smile.

She hated Calypso, missed her, loved her, grieved her, despised her.

But Calypso revealed the truth to her, in a terrible, cruel way that ached just to think about.

Ellie lied in order to survive, and it hurt.

It was that simple.

Good thing Ellie liked a challenge

[omegawolverine]

I love it when people talk about things they're passionate about, tell me something cool!! Anything you want, just something you find interesting or want to talk about :D

hello anon my beloved, I am in a bad mood so you will be receiving a passionate, yet lowkey of pissy rant about why villainizing bakugou makes me wanna vomit and its NOT just because I'm a dumbass kinnie :)

tws: child abuse (emotional and physical), near death expierences, bullying, kidnapping, suffocation, lots of trauma in general tbh. if you've seen bnha then basically just keep all the general triggering plot stuff in mind incase i missed any warnings

also, note: I havent caught up on bnha in a minute, I'm at like the start of the war arc but I barely remember shit there tbh so like. probs missing new stuff. also bnha spoiler warnings lol

so, for starters, the homie bakugou has like,, a good handful of issues that come from his childhood that explain why he's an ass. he was always praised and never actually reprimanded for being a twat which led to him having a huge ego that ended up fucking him over majorly. this ego was something that his mother acknowledged him having, but literally didnt try to fix it with anything other than violence. see here:

like, instead of trying to help him, she hits and insults him, which is probably what led to his weird inferiority/superiority complex. being constantly told by others that you're outstanding and one day you'll be a top hero because you're rude and aggressive and then going home and being hit by your mother for those exact same behaviors is bound to fucking confuse a child.

so like, now that we've established that its definetly canon that his mother (parents? I think he said parents at some point but masaru doesn't seem like the type so 🤷) hits him though we don't know how much or how often (though if bakugou was as much of a little shit back then ((which as far as we've seen- he was)) then it was probably often), lets talk about how regardless of all that 1) hitting your kids as "discipline" not only doesn't work but is abusive lol like idc if it's spanking/popping them on the mouth for talking shit, slapping them across the face "on occasion", etc. shits not okay 2) hitting your kids!!!! does not work!!!!!!!! it is literally PROVEN not to work!!!!!!!! hitting a child who has done something wrong doesnt teach them to stop doing something it teaches them to be scared of you, which will cause the child to withdraw, removing part of their support system (assuming said abusive parents would even offer that up) and will most likely lead to them thinking they're a bad person, not that their actions were bad, which are two different things. so, ya know, that would clearly have an effect on a kid. like, as someone with a mother who reminds me all too much of mitsuki: I have acted like a complete shitbag and taken my anger out on people to feel better in the past because of the way my mother treated me. though it was nowhere near what bakugou did, I still know first fucking hand what a mother hitting and insulting her child will do, especially if they have no proper outlet for that (friends, a safe place to vent) which bakugou never fucking had.

theres also the fact that just talking to your kid the way mitsuki does (saying it's his fault he was kidnapped because he's weak, all while hitting him) is not??? okay?????? ive seen people arguing that this was just a joke in poor taste but like her son was KIDNAPPED and even if it was a "joke" there's literally NO WAY that would EVER?? BE FUNNY??????? she just sounds like the kind of parent who at the very least says shit without thinking that would traumatize bakugou (because being told right after being kidnapped it's your fucking fault by your mother is absolutely traumatizing) but it comes across as her being emotionally abusive.

mitsukis character as a whole comes across as a shitty mom who doesn't realize she's a shitty mom and thinks bakugou being an ass isn't at least partially her fault even though she's admitted to realizing he has always had an ego problem and doing nothing to fix it except for hitting and yelling which obviously did nothing but make him just as loud and violent as she is.

this is obviously not the entire reason why he's a dick but he was never properly taught that the shit he was doing wasn't okay and people not stopping it and/or praising him endlessly even tho he was a bully is basically the same as encouraging it, thank you very much.

moving on from that, let's talk about bakugous other traumas and how he naturally responds to them. hint: it's with either full blown panic or a fight response (verbal or physical, though usually physical. also sometimes it's the panic followed by the fight response.)

so far in bnha (keep in mind that I am not caught up, I've only read up to the beginning of the war arc and i barely remember those bits so) bakugou has...

nearly died via sludge villain (he was unable to move and was being suffocated to death- keep this in mind)

lost for the first time ever and against deku of all people (this nearly sent him into a full blown panic attack, likely because of that sexy little inferiority/superiority complex combo. think of this as like. gifted kid burnout lite. he has always been the best of the best and now suddenly he is being beaten by somebody who has always been weaker than him, which immediately makes him start thinking he was never actually that good, he's actually a fucking failure, a goddamn fraud)

won the sports festival by default (bakugou counts this as yet another failure because todoroki didnt try his best. had bakugou lost to todoroki full strength, he would've taken 2nd place with a bit of bitching, but he still wouldve taken it rather than refuse the medal as it would be a reminder that he failed. instead of accepting that like UA shouldve, the staff chained and muzzled him on live television and then had all might, his fucking idol, force the medal into his mouth. remember the sludge villain incident and how he couldnt move and was suffocating to death? yeah.)

been kidnapped because of the way he reacted to winning during the sports festival (he was aggressive and tried to refuse the medal because he felt he didnt deserve it and was then retraumatized by being chained up and muzzled. his "villainous attitude" was a fucking trauma response, do not tell me otherwise)

was then chained up once again by the LOV after being kidnapped,,, do we see the "retraumatize bkg" theme yet?

"ended all might" (he literally blames himself for all mights retirement because had he just not have been weak, all might wouldve had more time, right?)

my point with all of these is that bakugou has been severely traumatized and has then had his trauma responses (aggression, fight) used to further demonize him. not all people with trauma react the fucking same and the way the fandom just refuses to acknowledge anger as a valid form of trauma response is gross as hell.

moving away from that topic, bakugou has literally never had any actual friends, they all just used him and didn't care about him which absolutely will fuck up a kid, especially one who already has all that other shit going on. bakugou deadass never had a support system or people to help him grow as a person, let alone properly work through his fucking emotions so it's not surprising that he would take out his bullshit on the one person who tried to help him especially considering he saw dekus actions as him thinking he was weak. bakugou was raised to not seek help, he thought somebody strong shouldnt ever need it, so for somebody like deku (who bakugou percieved as weak and helpless already) to offer up help? deku must obviously think bakugou is even weaker than him, what other explanation could their possibly be!

speaking of which, there's his heaps of insecurities that he basically hid by being a twat and bullying others for most of his life. kid was so insecure he bullied deku for fucking years cause he thought deku looked down on him, thought he was better than him, etc. and that only got worse bc his idol then decided to take deku in, train him and even give him his quirk. there's probably some shit im missing but still he's got issues and always has had issues. that being said, he's actually improving and working them out now which is what makes him a really good, interesting character. it's also nice to see a character who is a dick without some tragic backstory (like his backstory is sad but its not the classic "my family was fucking slaughtered and i turned into a raging bitch who murders people" type shit) bc that rarely happens and it's like most assholes don't actually have a story like that they're just assholes lol

now lets talk improvement! lil bitch has been getting better since he got into UA and im so happy abt it!! he had a rough start what with deku suddenly having a quirk and all but like he is really improving now and it highkey shows that bakugou just mostly needed people who 1) didn't constantly praise him and actually criticized him instead 2) actually fucking punished him doing stupid shit and 3) some motherfucking friends

Since going to UA he's gotten actually feedback from teachers about his weaknesses and how to get stronger, he's lost against others, hes been told he has a shit attitude and is a dick, told he should be nicer and leave deku alone, etc etc. He hasn't gotten in trouble too much with teachers but others give him shit for what he does and aizawa has punished him too, while still acknowledging that bakugou is an amazing and dedicated student, something which no one else had done up til that point. and uh???? homie actually has friends who like,,, don't use him and also call him out when he's a dick. like specifically kirishima has done this shit and him and bakugous relationship is clearly very healthy and beneficial for the both of them. makes me feel all happy n shit, ya know

bottom line is: while it is absolutely valid to dislike or even hate bakugou because he is a massively flawed person who has been very cruel to others, villainizing him for the way he acts which in large part seems to be from a lack of guidance, a shitty mother and heavy amounts of trauma, is fucking awful. his actions cannot be fucking excused, he needs to apologize and continue to grow, but he is also a fucking teenager, who is just now being told that the way he acts is unacceptable by people who dont fucking abuse him (and I swear to god if any people who think mitsuki isnt abusive interact with this fucking post I will fullstop hardblock you, I do not fucking care) and actually treat him like a normal person instead of some prodigy child or someone who needs to be fixed.

people are free to debate my points or whatever bc I know some of this stuff is up to interpretation but like. dni if you're just here to say you hate bakugou for xyz reason or that he's irredeemable. also especially dni if you compare him to fucking endeavor yall bitches make me gag.

anyways thxs for the ask anon <33 sorry this is a kinda messy info dump lol

[enbyblades]

ok so my roommate and i were talking about starop bc i love dragging her into my bullshit...but also its her own fault for asking why i ship them jsdlafsf but anyway we came up with some good angsty content 

so anyway to be honest we were detailing a potential animatic jashdlasfjsf but it kinda led to us talking about the story potential of having this cross faction romance and all that like parallels between characters; theyre in a fight and somehow starscream winds up fighting against optimus and he fires a missile at him but misses a little too intentionally and megatron notices and like squints his eyes and gives starscream shit about it later of course bc hes suspicious and tells soundwave to keep a closer eye on him,,,, 

whereas ratchet, in a separate battle, starscream gets shot down by one of the other autobots and optimus just freezes and he wants to run to star and make sure hes ok and it shows on his face and his body language and ratchets pieced things together at this point, he knows Smthn is going on between those two, cuz hes perceptive and he just,, nods at optimus and turns the other way, off to help the others...he pretends he does not see it. 

and knockout knows, hes still a bitch but he and starscream have smthn of a mutual respect for one another, mostly bc breakdown acts as knockouts conscience ajsdhlsff, so while he teases star like “have fun with your boy toy, screamer? ‘,:)” he still like covers for him when megatron is wondering where he is and hes off with optimus. 

but the SPICY parts, so starscream kidnaps bumblebee and fucks him up a good deal, probably as a desperate attempt to get megatron off his back a little, and when optimus and maybe someone else arrives to save him, star grabs bee in a chokehold with his gun pointed at his head and optimus of course is horrified and trying to talk him down telling him he doesnt have to do this and wondering whY hes doing this, and starscream shoots bumblebee in the torso, not killing him but yknow, hes gonna be out for the count for a hot minute, and flees the scene 

so they dont see eachother for a while, they stop having their secret meetings bc optimus is hurt and starscream is in his own emotional turmoil over the situation. before optimus can figure out how he wants to handle the situation, he gets a complaint from fowler whos like “WHY is this goddamn jet ATTACKING random truckers???” bc starscream, ever so smooth, decided the best way to get ops attention was to. tackle him in alt mode apparently. ratchet gives him a look and says “looks like someones trying to get ur attention...” and optimus decides hell try to find star in their usual meeting place. ratchet of course is like, long suffering sigh “i cant stop you optimus...i just hope you know what youre doing. be careful.”

so they meet and starscream tries to act like everything is normal but of course optimus has to address the elephant in the room, and starscream is like “i thought we agreed to not talk about war and factions when we meet..” and optimus is like “starscream, you grievously injured bumblebee. you know why we have to talk about this” it becomes pretty heated, mostly bc starscream is explaining himself and is frustrated at the world and their situation and is ranting. he apologizes and clearly regrets what he did, and optimus, having the spark of a saint, forgives him tho hes still hurt. starscreams still VERY distressed though. they have This exchange:

“starscream...please. come back with me... you wont feel like you have to hurt my friends anymore. we wont have to sneak out in secret...”

“how many times do i have to tell you i CANT optimus! megatron would KILL me!” (he used to claim that he cant abandon this cause hes worked so hard for, but hes since come to realize the original ideas the decepticons were fighting for have been lost to megatrons batshittery.)

“we would protect you-”

“oh, like you protected CLIFFJUMPER?”

his eyes widen as he immediately realizes how royally hes just fucked up, and he can see it in optimus face that hes barely holding back a whole slew of hurt, disappointment, anger. it hurts twice as bad bc we all know WHO killed cliff, but also bc optimus no doubt has that leader complex that causes him to feel like cliffs death was his fault bc he couldnt lead them well enough to prevent it, and STAR knows this, and optimus Knows that star knows this, and its just..OOF. so optimus holds it in.

“o-optimus, i- im sorry, i didnt-”

“starscream....i cannot abandon my family. so you need to pick a side....and if it is not removed from the decepticons...i dont think it is healthy for us to keep this up.”

“optimus wAIT-”

but hes already transformed and is driving away. 

again time passes, i havent thought this part all the way thru yet, but eventually they meet again somehow and starscream apologizes (again) PROFUSELY, and optimus, in his infinite patience, forgives him again. they meet in their secret place, and its a pleasant normal meeting, but what optimus said is still very much an issue that needs to be addressed, and its lingering. starscream apologizes again for what he said about cliffjumper, and says smthn along the lines of “if anyone could protect me, not that i NEED protection, mind you......id trust you to be able to.”

“then come back with me...”

he looks conflicted. he wants to go so bad, but....

“we’ll see.” 

they kiss and part ways. optimus drives off, but when starscream turns around hes face to face with lazerbeak. soundwave comes out of his hiding place.

“scrap...”

he doesnt bother trying to come up with a lie. he knows it wont get him anywhere. soundwave heard enough, and no doubt recorded it. so instead he pleads with soundwave not to say anything. he promises he wont betray the decepticon cause, he hasnt given the autobots any information and he doesnt plan to, just PLEASE dont say anything. 

soundwave doesnt say a word. he opens a groundbridge and gestures for starscream to walk through first. 

and the next part also isnt totally fleshed out but i imagine he doesnt feel like he has much of a choice, so he walks through and has to face whatever megatron has in store for him unless he manages to escape somehow. whether he gets out on his own volition or is thrown off the ship by megatron is still up in the air, but the ensuing fallout of soundwave finding out and telling megs is what finally pushes starscream to abandon the decepticons for good. 

ANYWAY. YEA. ANGST.

[fleshblueberry]

Babe wake up im going to rant about my ocs lore because im bored

Tw/cw depression, suicide, kidnapping, addiction, unreality

I write angsty stuff for my ocs oops-

When i first started making my characters they were very different in alot of ways and they were very different from what they are now. But i some how managed to glue all the chaos of my ocs together into a semi-coherent story. I went through an insane amount of world building with myself and i honestly dont think ive ever writen or typed any of it out before! its all just up in my head (and you know my memory is trash so ive probably forgotten of alot of things i made before lol). Anyways- i have two main story lines for my characters. Ethan's story, and Vevlet's story. Although i must admit Ethan's story is less complex than velvets simply beacsue it acts as a story of prequeal to Velvets story line. (Alternate realities that happen to have effect on each other basically- we love space time junk)

Ethan's world is very similar to ours, the most similar out of any of my fantasy worlds lol. Ethan's story revolves around self-discovery. I mean for it to be a wholesome/lighthearted thing that quickly leads up to dark undertones (spoilers lol). Ethan's story begins with Eef pre-transition (AFAB to NB). We get to see Ethan learn about themself and have fun exploring emotions and what it means to be alive. Ethan comes from a run-down family (mom khs, dad mia). So he lives with his adoptive parents (who i have yet to design and think about- theyre lesbians 100% though). A major moment for Eef is meeting his partner Seth. As you already know Ethan and Seth are cute ass boyfriends and stuff but guess what! im jammed their story full of angst and edgy shit bc i "wrote" most of this when i was hella depressed! Anyways Seth's family is like moderally welathy, wealthier than most i would say. Seth catches feelings for the emo chick ofc (forgot to metion Eef was definately a hot goth girl before he transitions).... uh yea anyways seth ends up flirting and crushing on eef and eef is like yea sure im bored and sad why not. and they end up dating after a while. Theres an important moment in their relationship when Ethan take Seth to this dead tree. THis dead tree is very important also bc it is where his mother hanged herself, and Ethan doesnt quite remember that bc he was very young when it happened, but he knows it as a place of comfort and he goes there alot when he feels sad or alone. this tree could be taken as symbolizim but heheh ill never tell. anyways Ethan is like yo my fevorite tree and Seth is like wtf okay bro ily and all but why a dead tree with an unstable tire swing?? ANd ethans like idk but i like it here reminds me of my childhood (op my guy) and they spend the night there. Also when ethan comes out to seth as nonbinary seth is just like ok,,, because hes bisexual lol. anyways time skip and Seth has some addiction problems once he graduates, long story short- Ethan doesnt like it bc his dad was a druggie so he trys to help Seth and Seth raises his voice and ethan is tiny compared to his bf so hes naturally like terrified of being hit and he suddenly feels his world of happy and peace he build back up bieng destroyed once again so he heads to his mothers dead tree and decides life isnt worth it anymore, and he hangs himself in the exact spot his mother did.... once seth comes off one of his highs or whatever hes like- oh fuck i yelled and acted agro to my traumatized partner. and he immedatly goes to the tree bc its Ethans favortie spot but its to late. regret is the only emootion anymore... its over for them.

now youre probably wondering how the absolute hell does that tie into velvets lore?? well do i have a tale for you. Velvets sotry begins on her 21st birthday, she is out for drinks with her douchebag bf and her bestfriend. several drinks later she yells over blaring club music shes going to the restroom, and as shes walking back she sees her bf and her bestie making out and she doesnt even say anyhting and walks out alone. She is making her way back to her apartment very tipsy. She then hears a vechile driving beside her, she cant make out anyhting theyre saying and the people in the car get out and before she even relises whats going on shes thrown into the vechile and is being beaten and yelled at. She passes out as theyre driivng to somewhere. When she next awakes she is in a barn-looking place. Concreate walls painted red and straw all over the floor. she cant stand, her legs stung and so did her entire body. for several days- she doesnt know how long she stayed in this place unable to move or do anything. Weak and starving, she gathered up her last bit of strength and hung herself on a low board (havent really worked out the details on that scence bc i keep changing my mind but she does hang herself). Cut to a space of nothingness- legit nothing- exactly its impossible to imagine nothing. In the nothing sits velvet all skin and bone, and then an entity, a hooded figure with long hair, sits next to her. No words are spoke, but the entity looks at velvet longingly. Then it tears out its eye- just full on plunges its hand into its socket and rips it out. bloody mess honestly. the entity hands its eye to velvet, and she takes it. there is no thoughts here, no sound, only actions. Cut once more to a coriners room place? ya know the place with dead bodies and tables and shit- anyways a bright light emerges from dead!vevlets chest and surrounds her entire body. *cue stunned doctor mans* Velvet arises from her death with her scars healed over and... wings. Yup shes an angel now. I mean her world already had monsters and things of suppernatural belonging but- angels are rare. She makes 1 of 2 angels in their relam as of current. Angels are "made" from regrets. Regret overflowing from two sources- one long dead and the other recent. This is where ethan comes in. Ethan's regret from how he died was powerful and sad, powerful enough for his spirt- an entity- to reach Velvets. Velvet too, had much regret in her death. So young and so many things that could have been avoided. In the days following up to her death in the barn/cellar she only felt regret. Regret for all she did and all she didnt do. So much pain summoned the entity. Their powerful forces of regret pulled them together and allowed Velvet to return- but at a price for the both of them. the entity lost its eye- symbolizing a loss of humanity and conscientiousness. While Velvet lost herself, she no longer can view her world in the same way. She has severe ptsd- like episodes and halucinations. She cant go back, she has to live through he own grief. Velvets appearnace also changes quite a bit. Her hair got longer, she has two sleek gray wings on her back, and- one of her eyes are purple now. why does it hrut her to see that eye? why is it all so familiar yet far away. Her human brain can hardly understand all the changes. But she was gifted this- she knows she must try. And luckily for her society sees angels as higher beings. They are given the umost respect but they are also greatly feared because of how misterious their origins are. The only other known angel meets with velvet quite alot through her story, he will act as a sort of guide/plot device to make things a bit easier for myself (havent worked out his lore tho or even a design for him hjbfkjsdb). Anyways im tired and its 1:35 am so thats all the lore you get for now, plus its the stuff ive thought about the most so- i dont really want to think any furtherb ahead yet lol. to many little things to work out...... i love creating but oml typing hurts after an hour or so-

Jam out!

... I don't even know what to say to this

[bigbadwolf-16]

i was gonna put this in the tags but it got a bit long so lrb

honestly its stuff like this thats part of what makes destiny so truly magical for me like. constant new content, a beautiful and stunningly rendered galaxy to explore, complex characters, running into goofballs in social areas and just having emote parties with total strangers for ten minutes, all the clowning with my friends?

weve done MMOs ad nauseum and some of them have a special place in my heart just for nostalgias sake but the thing that separates those dime a dozen mmorpgs is just the fact that destiny genuinely has so much heart and soul and love poured into it by the devs, like. idk how to explain it, but the fact that you can really feel how much they love this game makes all the difference. the fact that theyre working from home on something theyre truly passionate about comes through in everything from the narrative to the gameplay to the set design to the lore

the thing that gives destiny such a special place in my heart is everything that makes it so different. the insanely rich lore of the world, the style, the really cool people that you can meet through it and everything i already said

obviously the toxic side of the community is,, extremely toxic, but when you avoid those things and when you play with your fireteam or you get matched with a really good one, like. i dunno. it just feels really special in a lot of ways. destiny is defs not without its issues, but in the grand scheme of things, those issues are pretty small. like ive played DOZENS of mmos and pretty much all of them i just got bored with. its all the same back and forth, fetch this, kill that, back and forth, walk here, do this, with bland and lifeless dialogue, and i just get. bored. but with destiny, if youre bored, thats on you, bcs there are so many things you can do and so many game modes and things to chase and to learn

i stopped playing for a long time bc of things kinda out of my control but when i came back to it was immediately swept away by it all over again, even with all i missed. it kinda felt like hanging out with a friend you havent seen in a really long time, where you just fall into it seamlessly and all the in-jokes are still funny, and on top of that it brought me closer to one of the best friends i havent seen in a really long time (and we used to play together a lot back in d1 and the early days of d2), and ive become friends with his friends??? ive made friends through this stupid, complex, beautiful game, and thats so amazing, and its made me want to be a better person too, yk? in a weird sorta way. i wanna be the person my ghost knows i can be, and i wanna be a guardian that can help the kinderguardians find their feet in this big crazy world even tho im way stupid bad at destiny

i know its just a video game but damn dude this shit hits different and you really dont get such impactful experiences from any bargain bin anime character MMO, at least for me

[antigonick]

ok so i asked: if it's not too much to ask and if you don't mind, could you explain why you said emotional writing and character development isnt sims' forte? i havent started season 5 yet so idk about that season in particular, but i've always thought he did those things pretty well! no disrespect at all, i just want to hear your opinion since it's different from mine! i love your blog and think you're fantastic and lovely and hope you have a beautiful day💖

Oh no, no, don’t worry, it’s all good. I should start by saying that I’m kind of a pain in the ass when it comes to character development, because characters are usually my emotional gateways into stories—I can enjoy texts for what they are, for what they say, for how they’re constructed, for what they refer to, but for me to truly love and feel invested (and a little feverish) about a work, I need to feel like the characters have escaped their character-skin, you know? 

It’s not that Sims is bad at creating characters, not at all, I just think he’s better at other things. Most notably, at constructing a complex plot, at creating distinct atmospheres, and of course at pinpointing exactly what make people tick, horror-wise. His characters (in TMA at least) are usually archetypes; easy to enjoy because they are familiar enough that we immediately “understand” what they’re supposed to be, but still very much stock characters, created for the story rather than created for themselves and then experiencing the story. I can’t pick them up and throw them into another universe entirely; they don’t feel fleshed out enough for that, they’d have to be worked on for them to stand on their own two legs. Relationships are also posited rather than developed and grown—the goal is to make characters care for each other to justify their actions towards each other, rather than to make the relationship itself central to the story.

And it’s fine! I mean, it’s most likely a constraint of the format—podcasts are not the easiest medium for stream of consciousness and lengthy character description; it’s also a defect (in my opinion) of the genre, and by that I mean short stories, which usually compromise character-depth in order to enhance story-efficiency. Perfectly logical, but kind of why I don’t personally like short stories as much as I like, say, an obnoxious roman-fleuve.

It works wonders for characters we don’t see often (the one-episode punchy personalities and the seldom recurring ones) because they can exist vividly through their “main feature”, but once you want to get to know a character and peel away more layers, instability shows. I do think Jon’s development is compelling, but since he exists in a world of paper-thin characters, it can only go so far when he interacts with others. Overall, I’ve always felt, subjectively, that it... lacks a little warmth, a little emotional punch, a little depth.

Does that make sense? I feel like I rambled a lot here.

[awkbo0b]

Two of a Kind:2

A/N: Thanks for everyone who is reading and thank you for the notes! I havent been active on tumblr for a while but being able to come on here and post an idea I have for a fanfic and having people actually like it warms my heart.

Summary of the first part: Mae is visiting her cousin, Tony, in Outer Banks and little does Mae know, she just ran into JJ! Here’s there link for Two of a Kind:1 if you havent read it yet.

Warnings: underage drinking, usage of drugs, swearing

~~

I join Tony who is now with a group of girls near the fire. “Hey! Hope I didn’t miss much of the party.” I mention as I take a drink of my beer. The girls all smile at me and begin to introduce themselves. I didn’t bother remembering their names since I probably won’t see them again after tonight. The conversation drifts about boys that they go to school with, who they all have crushes on, and some of their plans for the summer. I turn to look at the water to notice that some people have gone swimming. I smile to myself thinking about how beautiful it is here. 

“And Mae here is an unique artist,” my attention is pulled when I hear Tony mention my name, “ she is able to turn anything into a complex drawing. It’s truly amazing.”

I smile, “Honestly though, you should see Tony’s photos.” I try to turn to conversation away from me. As much as I love my art, talking about it isn’t something I enjoy. “She normally does landscapes like her parents, but if you put a model in front of of her,” I puff my cheeks and let out a whistle, “it’s breath taking what she can do.” as I compliment Tony I notice her tuck her hair behind her ear. “No need to act bashful T!” I exclaim. Tony raises her nose a little higher, showing her confidence. “If you haven’t seen her work yet, you are really missing out.” I finish off my beer.

“Tony, I knew you painted but how come you never mentioned photography?” The girl standing on the other side of Tony ask, she has pin straight, black hair, and is wearing glasses that look like they are from the 20′s fashion era. I glance at Tony already knowing what she is going to say.

“Well I mean, my parents both are photographers. They capture such unique angles in landscapes. And it kinda feels weird to follow in their foot steps that closely. Look at Mae,” Tony throws her arm in my direction, “her parents are sculptors and she paints and draws. Different medias.” Tony’s word slur together as she speaks.

The girl with black hair give Tony assuring smile that she understands, “I get it, girl.” Her words also slurring together then pulling Tony in for a hug. The sudden wave of emotion fills the small circle.

“Well, before I join in on the touchy feeling stuff, I’m going to grab another beer.” I inform once Tony pulls away.

“I think I better give myself a minute.” Tony hiccups and then raises her bottle, “Once I’m finish with this one of course.” The girls around us giggle and Tony does too.

“Alright dude, I’ll be back.” I make my way towards the coolers. I notice a group of people sitting on a log near the water. A small lantern is lit. I notice blondie and three others, two boys and a girl. As I continue to watch, being the creepy people watcher that I am, I begin to see that they are passing around a joint or blunt. Whatever it is, they are smoking weed.

Once I reach the coolers I come up with an idea. I grab two bottles instead of one and then turn towards blondie and his group. They are all talking and laughing at things that are said as I approach. Blondie, who is sitting on the end, shoots his head up first, then the girl who i can now see has longer curly hair. She offers a friendly smile.

“Hey, you don’t look familiar, Are you a tourist?” The girl ask, then the other two boys look in my direction too. Just as I am about to introduce myself blondie cuts in.

“She’s rude, that’s what she is,” Blondie has a playful smirk on his face. I laugh at the comment.

“I guess I’m technically a tourist, but I wouldn’t consider myself rude.” I wink towards blondie as he take a hit from the blunt, causing him to cough.

“Whoa dude, you’re coughing? who even are you?” says one of the boys as he laughs taking the blunt from blondie and takes a hit. He is wearing an unbutton shirt with a bandanna tied loosely around his neck. His hair has intense volume that would make any girl jealous.

“Shut the fuck up, just inhaled wrong.” blondie mutters still trying to catch his breathe. “And even if you are somehow not rude,” blondie’s voice still strained from the coughing but is now talking normal, “what brings you over here?” He questions me. The blunt continues down the row of friends, ending with the guy with dark chocolate skin.

“Was wondering if I could take a couple hits with you?” my voice ends with a little squeak, a littler nervous as to how blondie will react. All three friends are looking back and forth between us. I let out a small laugh. “I brought a truce,” I hold out the extra bottle of beer towards blondie.

“Hmm,” blondie pulls his hand up to cup his chin to appear as if he is really thinking hard on this one. I bite my lip starting to feel a little awkward. “Mae was your name right?” Blondie takes the bottle from my hand and pants the empty spot next to him,

“Yes, yes it is blondie.” I sit down and the friend from the end passes the blunt to me.

“For the love of god,” blondie places his elbows down on his thighs, shakes his head then looks my way, “please call me JJ.” JJ winks as I take my hit from the blunt.

“JJ it is then.” I try to say in a flirty tone. Everyone laughs and then begins to introduce themselves. I try my hardest to remember these names, because deep down I would want to see them again.

~

We finished the blunt, the boy with the crazy hair, who i think is John B, claimed he could roll the next one. Kie, the girl, and Pope, the one with chocolate brown skin, laugh at John B as he struggles.

“Come on man. I can do this shit with my eyes closed.” JJ moans throwing his hands up in the air. Another round of laughter roars from us. I remembering that I came here with Tony, who was at her drinking limit when I last saw her about  forty-five minutes ago. I look towards the bonfire to see her white dress almost glowing from the moon light. She is dancing with her group of girls, clearly have a good time. “How do you know the misfit kook?” JJ’s voice startles me, even though it was only loud enough for me to hear.

“What do you mean misfit? She seems to be fitting in fine to me.” I look towards JJ genuinely confused as to what he was meaning.

“She moved here two years ago, most of us have been here our whole lives. The kook life style is passed down from generation to generation. People who move here with kids, don’t normally end up fitting in.” JJ explained.

“I feel like I am a perfect example of that.” Kie raises her hand. “I’ve lived here for a while but never seemed to fit in, so here I am with the pogues. Plus the kook life style is too much for me.” Kie scrunches her face in disgust. I nod taking in what both of them are saying. 

“She’s my cousin, and my best friend. And I guess I’m kinda getting at what you guys are saying, but we might need to go over it again when I’m sober.” I let out a laugh, and so does everyone else.

“I like this girl.” Pope says.

“Isn’t your family some kind of artist?” John B ask.

“How would you even know, dude.” JJ sneered, earning himself the middle finger from John B.

“I think I remember Sarah mentioned it, dick head.” John responds.

“Actually yes, we are. It kinda runs through the family.” I state.

“Oh yeah, your family is the Clemonds right?” Kie ask almost jumping off the log, “my dad has some of Sadie Clemonds photos in our restaurant!”

“Yep, that’s the family name.” I give Kie a smile.

“Hold up, your whole family is just filled with artist?” JJ ask not believing it.

“Yeah, in some way, shape, or form.” I giggle.

“You’re parents are Chloe and Trenton right?” Kie is now standing she is so excited.

“Yes ma’am,” I answer.

“I would love to see their work sometime”

“I can help arrange that,” I raise my hand to give Kie knuckles.

~

A/N Hey guys thanks again for all the notes on the first part! I am adding in my author notes for the 3rd part as you read this! I guess this is a good time to say that there will be a slow burn between Mae and JJ. So I hope you all stick around long enough to see it! I’ll be adding a tag #TwoOfAKind to this one so it will be easier to find it.

This might be a little odd but if you guys have any questions about my characters ask them and i can go into more detail about it in the net part! Also if you have any request for something to happen I’m all ears!

Thanks again for reading and for all the notes, 3 part should be up soon. Please continue to like/reblog. Love you all! 

UPDATE: I HAVE MOVED THIS FANFIC TO WATTPAD, HERE IS THIS LINK! LOVE YOU ALL THANK YOU FOR TE NOTES!